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We all have parts of ourselves that we may not be proud of or feel comfortable with.

Insecure, anxious, or obsessive behaviors in relationships are often seen as flaws that need to be fixed or hidden.

Logically, it makes sense to get rid of things you don't like.

This is called the counteractive approach.

And it can do more harm than good in the long run.

The Pitfalls of the Counteractive Approach

When you try to get rid of or push away the parts of yourself that feel insecure, you’re rejecting a piece of who you are.

The result is you feel fragmented.

You're constantly at war with yourself. Trying not to feel certain emotions. Afraid you'll lose control. Or fall victim to certain behaviors.

And it starts with a belief that you need to be "perfect".

You need to have it all together in order to be worthy of:

Love.

Respect.

Fulfillment.

So you try to present a carefully curated version of yourself to the world. Hiding the messy, under developed, and vulnerable parts.

The parts that might be seen as unacceptable.

The problem is, these insecure parts don't disappear when you try to ignore them.

They show up in all ways you don't want them to. As anxiety, depression, or even self-sabotaging behaviors in your relationships and daily life.

The Power of Integration

But there's another approach.

Another option that isn't about:

Pretending to be positive.

Making excuses.

Rationalizing negative thoughts and behaviors.

Or feeling sorry for yourself.

Instead of fighting against these parts, the transformative approach invites us to embrace them with compassion and curiosity.

By developing a relationship with the parts of yourself that you previously rejected, you start to understand their purpose.

And harness their power in a constructive way.

For example, let's consider the experience of limerence - that intense, almost obsessive infatuation we can feel towards a romantic partner.

While this state of mind can certainly be problematic if left unchecked, it also speaks to a deep human need for connection and validation. A sense of security.

Rather than trying to eliminate these feelings entirely, explore where they're coming from. How can we channel that energy in a more positive direction?

Perhaps we can direct that same level of focus and intensity towards self-care. Personal growth. Or meaningful relationships with friends and family.

By integrating the insecure parts of yourself, you're acknowledging that every aspect of who you are - the confident and the anxious, the secure and the insecure - is worthy of love and acceptance.

Embracing the Whole You

The journey of self-acceptance and integration isn’t an easy one. But it's life-changing.

Here's some of what you get when you're able to embrace the full spectrum of your own humanity:

Inner Security: You cultivate a deep sense of inner security.

Self-Validation: You no longer seek external validation, as you learn to affirm your own worth.

Authentic Validation: You understand that true validation comes from within.

Comfort with Self: You become comfortable with all aspects of yourself, allowing others to see you fully and authentically.

Safety in Authenticity: You feel safe being your real self around others.

So, the next time you find yourself struggling with an aspect of yourself that you wish you could just "get rid of," consider approaching that part of yourself with compassion, curiosity, and a willingness to integrate it into the whole of who you are.

You may discover that the parts once deemed unacceptable are the keys to unlocking your greatest strengths and deepest sense of self-worth.

Cheers to you, your growth, and well-being

Coach Rob